{"id":1434,"date":"2020-05-12T03:47:00","date_gmt":"2020-05-12T03:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/multisitestaging.onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/?p=1434"},"modified":"2021-06-29T03:49:23","modified_gmt":"2021-06-29T03:49:23","slug":"parenting-on-the-same-page","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/multisitestaging.onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/parenting-on-the-same-page\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting on the same page"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We are all new to this parenting gig  <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

by NIKKI SMITH<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our babies were not born with a manual explaining everything that we needed to know for them to thrive, nor were we given option A, B or C regarding how we wanted to parent. All these learning lessons have come with time, they\u2019ve come with experience and it\u2019s also hopefully something you have both discussed. If not, let this be a gentle reminder to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Becoming parents is one of the most exciting, incredible times of our lives, it can also be the most humbling. It is no longer about us anymore, it is suddenly about keeping alive this little human that we\u2019ve been blessed with! This transition into parenting isn\u2019t going to be a relatively easy one if you\u2019re not on the same page.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What I mean by this comes down to the values you wish to instil as a family, how you hope to teach your children right from wrong and something as simple as sleep can and will very quickly become the cause of much distress within your home and as parents, especially if you both have differing views, for example one might prefer crying it out, whereas the other leans more into a gentle way to settle your little one into dreamland. I implore you if you haven\u2019t, to take the time to discuss it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Countless times I have heard from parents that they just can\u2019t agree on things to do with their kids. Common examples include dinner times; Mum:<\/em> \u2018Honey if you eat a little more dinner you can have some fruit afterwards;\u2019 Dad:<\/em> \u2018No way, we can\u2019t offer dessert up if they haven\u2019t eaten all of their dinner!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another example is; Mum:<\/em> \u2018I don\u2019t\u2019 want to smack our kids;\u2019 Dad:<\/em> \u2018Well I was flogged, and I turned out ok!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I have made dad seem like the \u2018tough guy,\u2019 often though that can be the case. A lovely lad that\u2019s been attending the toddler series of workshops I\u2019ve been running offered up this pearl of wisdom, \u2018perhaps that\u2019s due to the generation beforehand where tough love was key, and boys weren\u2019t encouraged to show emotion.\u2019 YES to that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An important philosophy that I like to teach within my workshops and within the online program, is emotion regulation including and especially ours, as parents!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dr John Gottman from the Gottman institute is an internationally respected marriage and relationships researcher and expert. He estimates that close to 70% of what we DON\u2019T like about our partner will never change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s difficult to shift habits, expectations of other people are a challenge and some things are just a part of who we are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hearing from someone that you love that you\u2019re doing it all wrong isn\u2019t going to go down so well, how would you feel if your loved one expressed to you; \u2018Hey Hun, I think you\u2019re parenting all wrong here.\u2019 I don\u2019t think you\u2019ll be smiling, nodding your head in agreement and saying; \u2018Actually babe you\u2019re right, I\u2019m parenting terribly!\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

People don\u2019t like to be \u2018fixed,\u2019 nor do they like being told that they\u2019re wrong. While we all want to do the best that we can with the knowledge that we have most of the knowledge that we do have is from our own parent\u2019s, if your partner thinks that \u2018they turned out all right\u2019 despite being smacked, than they\u2019re not going to take lightly you trying to \u2018fix\u2019 his parenting style! In fact, they might take it as you thinking his parents are wrong which in turn will make him feel like you think he\u2019s turned out \u2018wrong\u2019 too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parenting is personal and this belief that that we are condemned to continue down the same path of our parent leaves very little room for growth within this generation of parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When our second daughter was born my maternity leave that time around ran up at around the six months mark, I was still breastfeeding but had no other choice then but to go back to work. We decided on weekend work so that my husband could have the girls as I wasn\u2019t ready for our baby to be in a childcare centre. This meant that he would have the girls from 7am until 3pm with a lunchtime feed in between (Ben would drive to my workplace so I could breastfeed our daughter on my lunch break, I couldn\u2019t get a lot of milk out when pumping).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband was sole carer at home over the weekends, this meant that I was to trust that he would parent them gently, consciously and with an attachment view in mind. Not only that but I also needed to \u2018let go,\u2019 I needed to allow him the space to parent his way. This was slow learning for me and I won\u2019t lie, there were many times I came home and the house looked like a bomb had hit it, dirty nappies piled up, dishes in the sink and the kids were still in their pyjamas BUT they had built a cubby house in the lounge room, they were fed, clothed and so happy!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This kind of trust for me and many parents came because of sitting down and discussing our values when it came down to how we\u2019d like to be parenting, topics such as, would we smack our kids (full disclosure, I was smacked when I was a kid, I\u2019d like to think I turned out ok but regardless, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s any type of answer when we resort to violence), would we yell at our kids, co-sleep, breastfeed, would we use cloth nappies or disposable, the list goes on! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The simple fact is, from experience this worked for us because we\u2019d discussed it and we trusted each other because we\u2019d talked it through thoroughly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the end, we are not all perfect people, but we can at least try to agree on some things, acceptance of each other parenting differently but with the same approach, is always a sense of unity as far as relationships and parenting go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below I am going to outline a guide for you to hopefully agree on an opportunity to sit down to talk about how you can get on the same page;<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I always feel like it\u2019s best to start with the positive things that you like about each other! Set a time to sit with a bottle of wine or a cup of tea and discuss the things that strengthen you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n