{"id":1566,"date":"2020-12-02T08:14:00","date_gmt":"2020-12-02T08:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/multisitestaging.onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/?p=1566"},"modified":"2021-06-29T08:15:39","modified_gmt":"2021-06-29T08:15:39","slug":"goodbye-childhood-hello-sons","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/multisitestaging.onthecoastpublications.com.au\/onthecoastfamilies\/goodbye-childhood-hello-sons\/","title":{"rendered":"Goodbye childhood, hello sons"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

by Sarah Tolmie<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the last 12 years I have contributed to every issue of On the Coast \u2013 Families magazine. Today as I write this article I have decided it will be my last. Time has come to hand the baton to someone now still in the game, so to speak. You see, today, my youngest Son just completed his final HSC exam. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

School is done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a super weird feeling. He and I are feeling the same. It is sad and liberating and exciting. He is 18 years old now and his brother celebrated his 21st birthday yesterday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today I am now a mother of adult sons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Childhood is done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can honestly say that was \u2013 fast, slow, hard, the best, the worst, a blur, a blast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am not the same woman and I feel more fully woman, and at the same time, this week, I feel a renewed sense of me returning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another evolutionary loop is complete and I feel the whoosh of new beginnings seducing me forwards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We are all at full circle. Back to the beginning…anew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My sons are delightful and affectionate and pleasant again, like the gorgeous little \u2018cuddly jubbly\u2019 cute loving little beautiful boys that they used to be. They are friends with each other again, like they were as little brothers, at the beginning of their life journey. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For quite a few middle years, however \u2013 perhaps a full decade to be honest! \u2013 they argued and fought, biffed and bullied each other. They stretched the invisible umbilical cord as is normal and right and made their fair share of mistakes and poor decisions. School, sport, work, friendships and girlfriends \u2013 we had the usual dramas. That\u2019s life & love!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But along the way they also found great friends, found their strengths, found jobs, found their way and found themselves. And, found their way back home, returning back into relationship as close brothers who are secure in their emerging manhood; returning back into easy loving, respectful and friendly relationship with their mum (me) and dad; and they have even become responsible contributors to the household too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are stepping up into an unknown future as good men with something to offer the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And hubby and I are like teenagers again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband and I are very proud and just a bit shocked too. How did we do that? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Honestly, some of it was sheer hard work and staying the course with love, hope and constancy, and some of it was…well how should I say it?…some of it was a mix of luck and \u2018trustful neglect\u2019…meaning, sometimes we did nothing, or we missed things, we couldn\u2019t do it all, we messed up and did it wrong too and we just had to trust it would be ok.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTrustful neglect\u201d meant that we had a pretty strong safety net of goodness and love and reliability so that we could brave into the times when we completely ran out of capacity, with our backs to the wall, white knuckling into the unknown. We just had to toss up all the balls into the air (into the hurricane) and trust they\u2019d land OK and we\u2019d all survive and we\u2019d all be able to roll with it again after the wash up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I was to gift you something a bit more tangible for my last parenting article, let me share with you my Top 10 reflections on what I thought we did do right:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. When kids know they are safe, they will not only survive, but thrive. Physical and emotional safety is THE foundation for full healthy development. Of course we love our children, but this love must be experienced safely as affection, kind words, gentleness, kindness, security, loving firmness, good boundaries and forgiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Read and sing and talk to and laugh with your kids from day 1 and never stop. Surround them with a variety of books, music, fun and ideas. It is the building blocks for their creativity, vocabulary, empathy and critical thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Honour their emotional experience and love them through all their emotions. They will face the same big things in life as we do as adults \u2013 loss, sadness, fear, rejection, hurt, depression, confusion…the full spectrum of life and love \u2013 just with less words and experience. Sensations, feelings and emotions are our first language. They are real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. The basics are the essentials \u2013 good food, proper sleep, daily exercise, fresh air, clean water, nature & sunshine and love. Best when taken every day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Model and teach healthy relationship skills \u2013 how to be respectful, recognise boundaries, give and receive, have empathy and compassion, how to appreciate and give friendship and love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Model and teach healthy conflict skills \u2013 how to acknowledge a wrong, how to take responsibility and accountability, how to attend to and care for another\u2019s feelings (which is above proving right and wrong), and know how to say sorry and forgive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. Give them responsibilities early if they want them. Trust they will rise into the outstretched open space and support them to build the capacity to take it on \u2013 be that riding their bike to school, walking home alone or getting a job etc. Own your own fear and don\u2019t pass it onto to them by clipping their wings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. Encourage them to participate in sports, reach out into a variety of friendships, get a job, look after their own money and learn to drive. Our job is to help them become adults.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. As they get older, share with them your feelings and experiences as appropriate. Allow them to see you not just as parents, but as fellow humans navigating the world and still facing challenges and changes. Talk to them about life, current affairs, politics and the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. Celebrate them. Praise them. Tell them you love them. I even tell them \u201cI quite like them too!\u201d Tell them you are proud of them. Acknowledge and affirm when they are doing things well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thanks dear readers. Go well on your parenting journey. Trust life. Trust love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I won\u2019t be far away. I\u2019m transitioning to a new column focusing on relationships, marriage and love. Feel free to send in any questions, problems or relationship dilemmas and I will answer them all.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much love, Sarah<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sarah Tolmie<\/em><\/strong> assists people to celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through all their life & love transitions. Her practice focuses on love & relationships, families & children; life success & fulfilment, illness, death & grief. As an Holistic Celebrant Sarah creates profound and meaningful ceremonies for all life & love events. Sarah is also a Marriage Therapist, Bespoke Funeral Director and End-of-Life Consultant. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and Facebook page at Sarah Tolmie \u2013 Life & Love.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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